if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
