just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
