my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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