so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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