That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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