Little spoons don't ask big questions
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize