I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
