If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize