All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
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