if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
