so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Randomize
