I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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