Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Randomize