I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
