I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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