me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
