Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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