the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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