I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
