there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
