My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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