do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Fuck me I smell like cheese
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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