A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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