you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
