hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
