I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
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