btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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