They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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