What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
