The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
