Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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