oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
