I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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