Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
