Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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