So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
