Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
