new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
