Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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