I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
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