I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
