I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
