I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
