Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Randomize