gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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