what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
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