You don't have asthma, your pregnant
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
