Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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