I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Can I color on your dick again?
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
