you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
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