My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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