So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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