Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
