And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
