I could make wine with my vomit
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
