My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize