Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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