yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
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