God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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