My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
When did we convert life to cartoon?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize