i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
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