Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
We need a shit load of segways right now
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
