My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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