Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
